tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize