So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize