end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Soap is not a condiment
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
