If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
