Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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