so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
