someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
