This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
