Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
