the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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