Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize