That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
