the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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