At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
