I'm sorry my penis didn't work
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
