So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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