I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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