Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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