You're my little dorito
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
