ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize