the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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