you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
