I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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