next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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