I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
