take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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