Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
