apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
