no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
