ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
