So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
