Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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