she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
