More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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