She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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