Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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