Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
