Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
