Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
