My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
