and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just want to make out with him forever
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize