I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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