whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
