I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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