i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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