Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
