i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize