I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
