The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
