the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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