Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
