i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
