Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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