I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
