Me too!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
