Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
