i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
