Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
