Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
