Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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