well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
