theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
