he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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